Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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