yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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