last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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