Texts From Last Night

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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.

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  (505): I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously. http://tfl.nu/fpp3
  Replies (23) Good night (3050) Bad night (763)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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  (248): Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"? http://tfl.nu/h596
  Replies (38) Good night (4625) Bad night (2525)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.

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  (313): No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/6118
  Replies (11) Good night (851) Bad night (3848)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

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  (719): Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete. http://tfl.nu/49zr
  Replies (20) Good night (5988) Bad night (870)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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  (647): She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters. http://tfl.nu/h38s
  Replies (23) Good night (2919) Bad night (1811)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.

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  (360): Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building. http://tfl.nu/uuvc
  Replies (4) Good night (789) Bad night (2645)
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  (805): View more from California

  I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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  (805): I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly. http://tfl.nu/8ih5
  Replies (45) Good night (10002) Bad night (1298)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I want to take my head off and cuddle with it

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole

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  (832): I want to take my head off and cuddle with it (832): Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole http://tfl.nu/jldl
  Replies (7) Good night (1118) Bad night (593)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Stop drinking before 5

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Easier said than done

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  (651): Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies (612): Stop drinking before 5 (651): Easier said than done http://tfl.nu/j7cm
  Replies (3) Good night (1452) Bad night (729)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.

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  (304): Malt liquor mondays...better in theory. http://tfl.nu/6cjj
  Replies (2) Good night (788) Bad night (570)
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  (516): View more from New York

  She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.

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  (516): She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location. http://tfl.nu/ak9e
  Replies (8) Good night (1272) Bad night (628)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.

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  (757): You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else. http://tfl.nu/0zf9
  Replies (20) Good night (1092) Bad night (459)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all

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  (651): So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all http://tfl.nu/5r9b
  Replies (2) Good night (690) Bad night (391)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?

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  (740): I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin? http://tfl.nu/l0iy
  Replies (3) Good night (838) Bad night (243)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.

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  (205): We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/2hud
  Replies (3) Good night (621) Bad night (274)

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