I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins