She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
