My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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