I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
