Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
