I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
