This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
