3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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