had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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