It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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