My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
