Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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