Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
