I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
