For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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