you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
