just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
