All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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