They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
