I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
