My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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