i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
this will be a night to untag.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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