Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
