i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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