i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
