A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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