theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
