i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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