i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish there were birth control emojis
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
