Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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