a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
