I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
