Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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