a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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