Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize