there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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