had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
