I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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