btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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