did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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