well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
