I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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