Is it normal to miss your booty call?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
