I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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