This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
