nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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