I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
