I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
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Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize