My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
