ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
