Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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