Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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