I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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