We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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