My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
