he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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