so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
