she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
